The lawyer described his client as an irascible eighty-two-year-old eccentric who alternated between spinning fascinating tales about her past and cussing him out.
-- Jack Olsen, Hastened to the Grave
I really don't ever get terribly angry at anything big and I am typically a very calm person. I occasionally find myself in certain scenarios in which my head feels as though it might explode. (Think Looney Tunes character after they have a drink of booze or something spicy) Here is a short list of things that make me feel somewhat irascible:
1. People who won't let you over when a lane is closed/ cars in a traffic jam. Will it really forever alter your life if you have one more car in front of you? Really? You can obviously see my blinker, and I have attempted to make eye contact several times. Just let me f@$#!ing get over!
2. This is a bit ridiculous, I admit, but here goes. When you are playing a trivia game, or any other type of game, and winning, and the opponent makes some sort of comment along the lines of " You got all the easy ones" or "These questions are stupid"... Anything along those lines that isn't said in a joking manner can send my blood pressure through the roof. I am all about some casual ribbing during a game, but seriously, it's just a game, there is no need to get all pissy-pants.
3. 98% of the employees at Jo-Ann Fabrics. I have been under the impression, for several years, that the main function of a Jo-Ann Fabrics store is to sell said fabrics and other handicrafts to the masses. Due to the behavior of various employees at the store, I am starting to question my perception of reality. Maybe they just don't like my face, but the "people" at the cutting table act as if I entered their personal abode uninvited, ripped them away from their family dinner, and took a steamy dump on their living room carpet. I just want 2 yards of muslin, is that so wrong?!
Now, at least they have a number system so the lady with 17 quilting fabrics she needs cut can't say she was next, when you know for a fact she was there 45 minutes after you. The really sick part was the cutting table people would usually give "quilting lady" the benefit of the doubt and serve her first. The numbers have added some equality to the abuse, but I was there recently when one of the cutting table sadists threw the numbers out the window and just kept calling "next" without checking anyone's number. The horror... I know, with all the injustice in the world, it is a bit crazy to get insensed by some old ladies with alopecia, not cool.
4. People at the grocery store who decide they don't want a perishable item they grabbed earlier and leave it somewhere NON-REFRIGERATED! Okay, this is a bit Type A, but really, how hard is it to put the yogurt back in some sort of cold storage once you jettison it in favor of the Cheetos, you low class ingrate! I have seen a gallon of milk sitting on a shelf next to the ketchup, why? You really decided that the milk wasn't necessary? If it was touch-and-go in the first place, why did you grab a whole gallon?! I do not like to see food get wasted, and I like even less the thought of said gallon of milk being placed back in the cooler by a well-intentioned employee or other shopper after having sat out half the day. It's like a food poisoning booby trap just lying in wait for an innocent defenseless shopper like myself.
5. WARNING: IF YOU ARE EASILY GROSSED OUT DO NOT READ #5!
Most people, who have been raised in the good old USandA have basic knowledge of what a toilet is and how this miraculous piece of engineering works. Even the unfortunate people who have been forced to live on the streets have at one point in their life, I am sure, had the opportunity to sit on the porcelain throne. So why... god in heaven why! do some people seem to think it is okay to take the world's most revolting, monstrous, vile cowplop and then simply walk away, leaving said abhorrent catastrophe to be found by an unsuspecting human who just needs to take a whiz.
I have encountered this grotesque scatological scene in many public facilities from malls to airports, to even nice restaurants. I am not naive enough to assume that every time this occurs it is due to some malfunction of the toilet. I know that something more sinister is going on. How can I be certain of this? Well, I have been forced, out of absolute necessity, to attempt to use a facility in such rotten condition and have simply employed whatever flushing mechanism is available. 9, that's right 9 times out of 10, the whole repugnant mess is delightfully flushed away and I have been able to do my business like a normal person! (I shall not describe the outcome of "the other time" here)
What kind of person can evacuate their bowels in such a violent and gruesome manner, and then just say, "Alright, I'm outta here!" Are there some people who are just so fearful or ashamed of their own excrement that they have to flee the scene? Or are there some people who think it is hilarious to leave their deadly night soil on display for everyone to see? Maybe they drank the milk at the grocery store that someone put back in the cooler after it had turned into a cottage cheese and bacteria cocktail and their ass exploded and they died and the paramedics forgot to flush! I don't know the answer and I still hope for the best any time I have to use a public restroom.
Okay, now that I've totally grossed everyone out, I think it's time to call it a day. Good luck out there and remember to smell your dairy products.
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